Ode to Carers

So, what do we do now?

That moment. That look.

Emotions swirl through my body, washing over me. Instant transforming. Nanosecond interchanges.

Panic. Confusion. Fear. Frustration. Anger. Rage. Failure. Shame. Guilt. Insecurity. Anxiety. Fatigue.

Endless, persistent, sleepless fatigue.

Breathless terror.

All in one heartbeat. In hearts beating too fast.

Hands clammy. Eyes Dilated. Faces ashen.

We look at each other. Incredulous.

No words. Yet, endless knowing between us.

 

So, what do we do now?

We are his parents. His carers. His life-givers. His life-savers. For now.

Experts come. Go.

Crisis averted. For now.

No imminent risk, they discern. This is code.

Under-resourced-understaffed-you-know-what-you’re-doing-over-to-you-have a nice day.

 

So, what do we do now?

Suicide’s monster wave dumps our battered body-spirits violently, onto reality’s shores. Again.

Casualties too.

Cast adrift. Beached. Stranded.

Seemingly invisible. Yet evident enough to be accountable, responsible for what comes next.

Without helping Us, they leave. Us. Alone.

 

So, what do we do now?

Forensic focus on our child-consumer-problem splinters Us.

Disempowers Us. Silences Us. Breaks open Us-as-family.

Transgenerational suicide traumatises our DNA.

For us, crises are not averted. Only delayed.

Solace escapes us.

No respite for monster wave Horror survivors, facing possibly another.

Inevitability plays with us. Taunts us.

 

So, what do we do now?

Heartache – our forever loving life partner.

Somehow, polished by infinite tears and years,

our broken-open hearts turn shiny.

Blindingly bright.

Dazzling diamond brilliant strength.

Our enduring relentless aching resilience.

 

So, what do we do now?

We do what carers do.

We. Just. Do.

 

Roma Aloisi

26 August 2020

Roses in the Ocean

my heart holds you

just one beat away

the tears in my soul

fall quietly every day

 

did this really happen

or are you just away?

will you walk through my door?

will you call me one day?

 

your pain was so intense

we shared more than most

the privilege of your love and trust

came at such an unbearable cost

 

stay close, watch over me

from so many stars apart

roses in the ocean…

you forever in my heart

 

my thoughts as I wake

through the day and when I sleep

are of you, my magnificent brother

for who my love runs deep

 

if there is one thing I could change

it would be that fateful time

I would be there for you, as always

holding on to you for life

 

somehow, some way

I wish with all my might

you find a way to tell me

you forgive, that you’re alright

 

stay close, watch over me

from so many stars apart

roses in the ocean…

you forever in my heart

 

Love from Brony November 2009