back to my future

To my future me,

Right now, I feel so alone. Will the tears and this pain ever go away? When will people start to listen and really care about what I’m going through? I know there are people in this world suffering too, but I’m me and I’m hurting, and I don’t want to suffer anymore. I’m sorry I’m sad all the time and I don’t want to feel like this forever, but I don’t know how to stop. I’m tired of people telling me to get over it. I’m tired of feeling alone. I’m sick of people asking me how I’m feeling. I’ve just lost my Dad how the hell do they think I feel!! I know I’m sad, but I don’t really know what else I’m feeling. Someone please help me!!!

Tania 14 yrs Old (December 1988)

To my darling 14yr old self,

I will be honest with you. There have been some bad days, and there have also been days that I have experienced joy. It has taken me a long time to get to the place I am now, but had I not pushed my feelings down, I could have got here sooner.

I’m still learning to speak my truth. As a teenager nobody wanted to hear me. Recently, I found the most amazing, honest therapist who really listened. She helped me understand my feelings and taught me it was ok if I was feeling sad, or angry. I had so many repressed feelings from when dad died. I pushed them down so far and pretended I was ok. I didn’t think it was ok to have fun in my life anymore. I had been suffering from PTSD for a long time.

I found it difficult identifying my feelings. I learnt that ok was not a feeling. I was introduced to the feelings wheel. Feeling the feelings was hard and extremely painful. I had lots of anger in my jaw from never speaking my truth, I suffered headaches and neck pain from constant worry, I became anxious and found it hard to breathe, all because I was never honest about how I was feeling, in fear of being judged. After 12 months of working through my trauma and EMDR treatment, I’m happier, calmer, proud, confident, love myself, take better care of myself & know that I am worthy and deserving of all things amazing.

Loving you always, unconditionally,

Tan 45yrs (December 2019)

Tania

pain

thresholds

Defining my time boundaries
That was then
Betwixt and between lies the threshold to
This is now

That moment hurling my soul
into that unknown realm
which inhabits the Netherlands
and took me fearfully
into the place of in-between-ness

This in-between-ness
led to the crossroads
of space and time and
what was my inside
became one with my outside

Through another threshold
I entered my shadowlands
floating like flotsam and jetsam
between the tides of grief
and in-between out breaths

Crossing the river of my time
through yet another threshold
into the openness of acceptance
and being transformed
into a radical survivorship

What was then
of me and
What is now of me
are both fused and transformed
and are an intrinsic blueprint
of a survivor

Olwen Schubert 2003