back to my future

To my future me,

Right now, I feel so alone. Will the tears and this pain ever go away? When will people start to listen and really care about what I’m going through? I know there are people in this world suffering too, but I’m me and I’m hurting, and I don’t want to suffer anymore. I’m sorry I’m sad all the time and I don’t want to feel like this forever, but I don’t know how to stop. I’m tired of people telling me to get over it. I’m tired of feeling alone. I’m sick of people asking me how I’m feeling. I’ve just lost my Dad how the hell do they think I feel!! I know I’m sad, but I don’t really know what else I’m feeling. Someone please help me!!!

Tania 14 yrs Old (December 1988)

To my darling 14yr old self,

I will be honest with you. There have been some bad days, and there have also been days that I have experienced joy. It has taken me a long time to get to the place I am now, but had I not pushed my feelings down, I could have got here sooner.

I’m still learning to speak my truth. As a teenager nobody wanted to hear me. Recently, I found the most amazing, honest therapist who really listened. She helped me understand my feelings and taught me it was ok if I was feeling sad, or angry. I had so many repressed feelings from when dad died. I pushed them down so far and pretended I was ok. I didn’t think it was ok to have fun in my life anymore. I had been suffering from PTSD for a long time.

I found it difficult identifying my feelings. I learnt that ok was not a feeling. I was introduced to the feelings wheel. Feeling the feelings was hard and extremely painful. I had lots of anger in my jaw from never speaking my truth, I suffered headaches and neck pain from constant worry, I became anxious and found it hard to breathe, all because I was never honest about how I was feeling, in fear of being judged. After 12 months of working through my trauma and EMDR treatment, I’m happier, calmer, proud, confident, love myself, take better care of myself & know that I am worthy and deserving of all things amazing.

Loving you always, unconditionally,

Tan 45yrs (December 2019)

Tania