I was empty, I was numb, and I had no desire to receive any help because my thoughts took over.
The disappointment I felt when I woke up in hospital for the third time and realising I was still alive, was horrible. I knew how much I was hurting my family and my friends, I just didn’t have the emotional capacity to care. I was drained, and I completely isolated myself from all my support networks.
When looking back at it now, surviving was the best thing to have happened. Not just surviving the attempts, but the depression itself. When you’re drowning in your own thoughts, it consumes you. I remember in my darkest times, seeing people’s stories on how they overcame depression and thinking “that doesn’t apply to me”. Yet here I am, writing one myself.
You don’t wake up one day and you’re better. With therapy and discovery, you will start to heal and manage your thoughts. I learnt my depression is a ‘part’ of me, it’s not my entirety. If there is one thing I can suggest, it’s learning about your inner child, and writing an emergency plan that you can stick to when you feel your darkest. I know if you don’t want help, it seems pointless; but trust me when I say it’s not. Simple things like cleaning, getting in the shower, or doing a crossword, make the world of difference just to buy some more time until you’re in a better place. Get curious about yourself, you can find a lot of peace in there.