The whole of me broke that day.

The pain I cannot to this day explain. To lose a child… my child, my beautiful, bighearted, humble, gorgeous, kind boy. How could I ever explain it? I can’t believe it now. It is tragic, it is horrific and it left a hole in my heart in the shape of my Son.  I needed help to breathe – I couldn’t do it for myself.  I didn’t think I would ever be able to breathe properly for myself again. I needed help straight away. The sun would come up every morning and I felt it pushed you further away. I couldn’t remember things, I couldn’t sleep, I remembered things I didn’t want to. I got up every day and I didn’t know why. I’ve never been angry with him, I love him with all my heart until forever. I didn’t know how to grieve for him – I still don’t.

Finally I knew I had to do something. I signed up for the Mental Health First Aid course. There it was, up on the screen… the word suicide.  How difficult it was to see.  I had to do something, but what could I do? Then along came Roses In The Ocean. What followed was an incredible experience for me.

I met a small group of people who were bereaved by Suicide.  Some of them were Mother’s like me. We shared, we cried, we learnt, we exhaled. We became the National Lived Experience Advisory Group for StandBy – Support After Suicide, and we also became a family.  A family who doesn’t ever have to explain because the others understand. I have been part of making changes to StandBy’s resources. Knowing this may help the pain of someone else in some small way is very important to me because I did it with my Son.

There is nothing I can do to change what happened, but I can try and and make a difference to what does happen. They say you grieve as much as you love. No-one loved you more, and we still have so much to do my beautiful boy.

Siân Houghton